Thread: Recent bad news.

So the other day I noticed that my step-mother suddenly seemed to have lost a bit of weight (it was gradual, of course, but suddenly very apparent). This was ok, but that she also looked about 5 years older and drawn... and even later that same day, it really occured to me that what I was seeing was not increased tan from being outside, but yellowing of the skin. So I kept my eye on her eyes, and when she removed her glasses at one point, I could not help but notice the lemon yellow color of her sclera ("whites" of the eye). Yes, Jaundice.

My step-mother and I have an... interesting relationship, so I didn't feel comfortable bringing this up to her, but instead mentioned it to my sister (half-sister, technically) as she might be better at bringing something of this nature up to her mother.

She (step-mom) was aware, and had spoken to someone in the medical field, and they said that the jaundice was likely due to a blockage of her biliary tract, likely by a gall stone.

I don't think she mentioned the suddent weight loss, chronic fatigue, stomach and back pain, anorexia (loss of appetite), and other such symptoms when speaking to this person, else they'd likely have told her to get to emergency fast.

Finally though (a few days later, now 2 days ago) she did go to emergency, as she'd spoken to her regular doctore about some digestive issues she was having, and to make a routine appontment with an enterologist would take months--where as going to emergency and getting admitted would bring the enterologist a whole lot sooner (like that or the next day).

At first glance, and being ever hopeful, the medical staff at the hospital (she should never have gone to Lakeside... crap-ass place.. but not because of this) said it was likely a gall stone and her gall bladder would probably need to be removed. Going forward with that line of though, they did a little endoscopic peeking around.. and found part of her common bile duct restricted, but no stone in sight.

With the symptoms and the restriction of the duct this could only mean one thing. But before they said such, they wanted to be sure. So they ordered a CT scan of her abdoment. The results of the scan were let known to us this morning.

A mass was found in her pancreas. My step mother has pancreatic cancer.

We don't, as yet, know what stage it is in, she'll be going to Strong hospital (where she should have gone to start) for more tests at the beginning of next week. But with the 95% fatality rate this cancer has attached to it, and the fact that usually once you say "cancer of the pancreas" you're talking in terms of months instead of years, we're pretty much gearing up to watch one of the most alive and vibrant (if not always kind and pleasant.. as I said, my relationship with my step-mom is.. interesting) women I've ever known wilt, wither and die.

Fuck.

Just an update, for those that might be wondering.

The cancer is pretty big and on the upper surface.. unfortunately way too close to major blood vessels for an operative resection.

She started Chemo a couple weeks ago. Origionally they were going to do a combined Chemo/Radiation treatment, the goal being to decrease the tumor in size so that it CAN be resected, giving her perhaps a few years longer. Then they noticed some cyst-ish looking masses in her liver, and ordered a PET scan, to ascertain whether or not there was liver involvement. PET scan came back negative. However, they still see those masses there (possibly cystic, possibly cancerous, despite what the PET showed) and are reticent to use the combined treatment, as the Chemo dose would be halved, and the radiation would be focal to the pancrase only.

So what they've decided to do is hit her with 2 months of straight Chemo at the full dose, and revisit the idea of combined Chemo/radiation after taking a look at the liver again after that time. If the masses are gone or unchanged (which would mean they're likely cysts) they'll probably try the combined.

So far she's doing well. She's lost a fair amount of weight and is tired much of the time, but so far the Chemo isn't totally knocking the crap outa her, as it can do to some people. She still gets around and does some of the things she's always done, but she's pretty much down for the count as far as any working on the farm stuff. My brother tends to take care of the lawn for her and that kind of thing, but she takes herself to and from the chemo treatments, instead of having to have someone take her.

You take the good with the bad.

Her outlook so far is pretty much normal. She is herself.

Well, Scott.. I would dearly love to start a new thread with the title you suggested.. but that, unfortunately, is not to be.

She started strong with the chemo, was handling it well, still mostly doing her thing.  Then it began to take its toll, and she became sick rapidly, losing her appetite (even more than before), dropping a lot of weight, etc.

More recently, a little over 2 months ago, she became very sick. An MRI scan showed that she had an abscess on her pancreas. Also she was found to have blood clots in the vasculature near her liver and (I think?) lungs. She was put on a Subcutaneous blood thinner shot (and now I'm drawing a blank on the name.. starts with a k), as well as an intravenous antibiotic to fight the infection and hopefully eliminate the abscess. So for the past little over a month or so, She's been having bi-weekly visits from a home health nurse and I've been administering her IV infusion (through her PICC line) and her SQ shot.

As a side effect either of the tumor or the abscess, her portal system (liver, gall bladder, pancreas and the tubes that bind them) has been constricted/backed up. This has caused fluids to back up into her liver, and essentially "sweat" out of it.. which has led to a thing called ascites (fluid filling her abdominal cavity). This becomes very uncomfortable as it fills and the pressure builds. She's now had it drained 3 times (she feels MUCH better after its drained). Not to mention her increasing inability to keep down food and decreasing appetite have left her with insufficient nutrients, which makes the body want to start breaking down proteins to make up for the lack.. also exacerbating the fuild build-up in her abdomen, as organ/vessel membranes become weaker (think of the starving affrican children Sally Struthers was always trying to eat.. er.. help.. skinny boddies, pot bellies).

Friday she went in for some exams and tests. While I am unsure of the progress with the abscess (asking these things in my family is.. well.. not always easy), apparently the tumor has grown. It has been determined that chemo therapy is ineffective and the tumor has progressed too far for adequate treatment. The Chemo will not be continued, to my knowledge. The side effects outweigh the results.

The order of the day, by my understanding, now... maintain comfort through pain medication... until the end.

I only hope that the ill effects of the prior chemo treatment hasn't sapped her so much that she'll be unable to recover some strength and have some active and happy end of days.

She just turned 60 friday.

This will be her last Christmas.

There's things I'd like to say, that at some point I'll need off my chest, and writing has always been an outlet for me.. but in the end, I can't bring myself to right now.

What I will say is.. it will be soon. She has gone from a marginally overweight person to a skeleton with skin. Her pain meds have been increased to keep her as comfortable as possible. She is unable to leave her bed without assistance.. she cannot even reach up to pick up a glass of water without assistance.. hell, she cannot even sit up without help.

From the start I knew this would be, and knew we'd have to watch it, unable to stop it.

I watch my step-brother and half-brother hide their suffering, and my father even more so. I know my sister suffers too, though I don't get to see her that much... worse, I watch them struggle between hope and remorse. Hope that it will be over soon, and remorse for feeling that way.

It will be soon.

My father just called me and told me that he expects that my step-mother will not survive the night. She is no longer coherent, her BP is drastcally low, and when she's aware enough to have any response it is because the pain medication has backed off far enough that the pain breaks through.. which tends to make her only response moaning or statements of pain.

When she opens her eyes they do not focus, but stare into the distance.

On the up side, her suffering will be at an end, and the pain will be gone.

I'll be heading out in a little bit to go spend at least some of the hours she has left with my brothers, sister and father.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. As of yet, I've gotten no phone call, so by that I am assuming she is still hanging in. Its one of those things.. sometimes people hold out longer than you expect. I may well wake up and find out that she made it through another night, I may wake up to a phone call.

Sometimes the waiting is the worst part.. makes ya kinda on edge..

I just got the call. She died about ten minutes ago. Her suffering is over. She is no longer in pain.


I'd like to, once again, thank everyone for their kind words of support and encouragement. It has means a lot to me that this community cares this much about its fellow members.

Thank you to everyone. It's been a hard day.

But there are good things about it.

She got to die at home, as was her wish. She was surrounded by people that loved her and that she loved in return. We remembered the good things she had done for us, and the happy times we had with her while she lived. We lived, we laughed, we cried, and comforted each other.  Our lives will continue, just as she wished them to.

But we will always remember the way she effected us. How not? She was our mother, our wife, our daughter, our step-mother, our friend and our loved one.

She will live through us.