Thread: The Jokes

Originally Posted by gatita_andy

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA .............................. Enjoy guys!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXN9Z4Whksk

Hey ranger they are taking applications for the next show I added your name to it hope you dont mind

Here's a few jokes, I'll omit the political ones because.. just because lol.

1.
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought
his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he
knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block
and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera
flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even
further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet
again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.

2.
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo. Poor Carlo.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .

Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up........ and all the other bells started to ring.

3.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

4.
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need
cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

5.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then
yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as
I see who's at the door.'

6.
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.'
He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

7.
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up
to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
soup.'

8.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light..' After a
few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in
the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to
the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we
just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said,
'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

9.
Three men wanted to get married.

The first man married a woman that was Polish. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman that was Italian. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a woman that was Jewish. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

10.
The spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that
he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from
their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%..

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'


That's enough for me :P