The Jokes

**space.cowboy** · 09-10-09, 12:26 PM

Originally Posted by jmw_man

Then there was this Aggie that was SOOOOOOOOOOO DUMB!!!

The other Aggies noticed.

I'll bet Hub won't get this one.

**gatita_andy** · 10-05-09, 02:08 AM

OK soooooooooooooooo..................
this is for the moderator i guess, i dont know if i will get in trouble for this one, I got it from a friend in Bolivia and i translated it because it was soooooooo funny, tho i am not sure if it will be too much so if it is please someone tell me and i will delete it ok? if not........... enjoy :9

A guy tells his friends:

Since yesterday my shoulder really hurts I think perhaps I should go to the doctor..

One of his friends said; its not necessary, there is a pharmacy here that is just going to cost you 20$ and all you do is put some urine in it and it tells you what’s wrong and what you should do, and its cheaper and faster than a doctor.

The guy thought well.. I have nothing to loose so he went to the pharmacy with a cup or urine
Put the 20$ in the money slot and dumped the urine in a funnel that was next to the computer .
The computer started to make noises several lights were flashing there was a pause and a paper came out, he read it and it said;
“ YOU HAVE A TENNIST SHOULDER, DO HOT WATER AND SALT COMPRESSIONS AND DON’T PUT TOO MUCH STRESS IN IT. IN TWO WEEKS IT SHOULD BE BETTER”.

Later while he was thinking on how wonderful the technology was started to wonder if he could fool the computer............... so he got some urine from his dog, mixed it with some urine from his daughter and his wife then he masturbated and added the semen to the concoction.

He took it to the pharmacy put it in the funnel, added the 20$ and waited for the response….

The paper read:
“YOUR WATER HAS SALMOMELA, BUY A PURIFIER.
YOUR DOG HAS DANGEROUS PARASITES, TAKE HIM TO THE VET
YOUR DAUGHTER IS DOING DRUGS, TAKE HER TO REHAB
YOUR WIFE IS 2 WEEKS PREGNANT AND YOU ARE STERIL, GET A GOOD LAWYER
AND IF YOU DON’T STOP MASTURBATING YOUR SHOULDER WILL NEVER HEAL YOU IDIOT!”

**jmw_man** · 10-05-09, 09:42 AM

That was hilarious!!!

**Redratson** · 10-05-09, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by gatita_andy

OK soooooooooooooooo..................
this is for the moderator i guess, i dont know if i will get in trouble for this one, I got it from a friend in Bolivia and i translated it because it was soooooooo funny, tho i am not sure if it will be too much so if it is please someone tell me and i will delete it ok? if not........... enjoy :9

A guy tells his friends:

Since yesterday my shoulder really hurts I think perhaps I should go to the doctor..

One of his friends said; its not necessary, there is a pharmacy here that is just going to cost you 20$ and all you do is put some urine in it and it tells you what’s wrong and what you should do, and its cheaper and faster than a doctor.

The guy thought well.. I have nothing to loose so he went to the pharmacy with a cup or urine
Put the 20$ in the money slot and dumped the urine in a funnel that was next to the computer .
The computer started to make noises several lights were flashing there was a pause and a paper came out, he read it and it said;
“ YOU HAVE A TENNIST SHOULDER, DO HOT WATER AND SALT COMPRESSIONS AND DON’T PUT TOO MUCH STRESS IN IT. IN TWO WEEKS IT SHOULD BE BETTER”.

Later while he was thinking on how wonderful the technology was started to wonder if he could fool the computer............... so he got some urine from his dog, mixed it with some urine from his daughter and his wife then he masturbated and added the semen to the concoction.

He took it to the pharmacy put it in the funnel, added the 20$ and waited for the response….

The paper read:
“YOUR WATER HAS SALMOMELA, BUY A PURIFIER.
YOUR DOG HAS DANGEROUS PARASITES, TAKE HIM TO THE VET
YOUR DAUGHTER IS DOING DRUGS, TAKE HER TO REHAB
YOUR WIFE IS 2 WEEKS PREGNANT AND YOU ARE STERIL, GET A GOOD LAWYER
AND IF YOU DON’T STOP MASTURBATING YOUR SHOULDER WILL NEVER HEAL YOU IDIOT!”

AHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHHHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAAA! MAJOR LOLZ

**w4jchosen** · 10-05-09, 10:19 AM

Pregnant blonde........

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other
day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I
thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said"Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been
trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told
her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more.

"I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I
Asked her how she knew. She said,

(You're going to love this!)

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack
home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

**w4jchosen** · 10-05-09, 10:22 AM

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for Dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers. She pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well,you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

**Brewer_2.0** · 10-05-09, 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by w4jchosen

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for Dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers. She pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well,you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**WileECyte** · 10-05-09, 11:03 AM

chosen I heard a joke similar to that... except it went like this:

A fraternity brother had a really bad habit of drinking until he passed out and the next morning he'd wake up and spend an hour in the bathroom praising the porcelain god. One of his frat brothers told him "If you keep that up, one day you're going to puke your guts out".

The morning after another bender, his frat brothers decided to teach him a lesson. A cat got hit out in front of the frat house and its innards were splayed all over the street. The frat brothers went out, scooped them up and placed them in the toilet. They heard their drunken brother stir and the usual noises come from his bathroom.

After more than an hour, they began to worry... one of the brothers went and knocked on the door. The hung over frat brother emerged. They asked him if he was okay. He said "Well, you were right... I DID puke my guts out, but with the grace of God and the help of a spoon, I got them all back down.

**Brewer_2.0** · 10-05-09, 11:17 AM

A priest took a vacation to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and began fighting it. A few minutes later the guide, holding a landing net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Please, my son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for." ?No, Father, you don't understand" explained the guide, "That's the species of fish you have hooked; it's called a 'Son of a Bitch' fish!"

Really?" asked the surprised priest, "Well then, would you please net the Son of a Bitch?"

Once the fish was aboard, the guide marvelled at its size.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen!"

"It really IS a big Son of a Bitch" the priest beamed, "What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. I promise, you've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a bitch."

Elated, the priest headed home. While unloading his fishing tackle and prize catch at the church's back door, Sister Mary appeared and Inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this huge Son of a Bitch I caught!" the priest gushed, opening his ice chest.

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father, such language from a priest!" "It's Okay, Sister. According to my guide, that's the species of fish this one is: it's called a 'Son of a Bitch fish'." "Oh, well then...what are you going to do with that huge Son of a Bitch?"

"Eat it! My guide said they're great!"

Sister Mary then informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days. "Why don't I clean that Son of a Bitch for you, and we'll cook it for this special occasion," she volunteered.

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything went perfectly. The wine was fine, the fish excellent.

The Pope leaned back from his plate and said, "This is absolutely marvellous fish -- where did you buy it?"

"We didn't buy it, Your Holiness; I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned and cooked the Son of a Bitch!," exclaimed the Sister.

The Pope looked silently at each of them. Glancing around the dining room, he saw they were alone. A big grin spread across his face as he leaned across the table and whispered, "Go get us some more wine. You mother-fuckers are my kind of people".

**Brewer_2.0** · 10-10-09, 09:09 AM

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"