Thread: pwnage on cbble this morning

I was bored, needed something to write.


So, my step-brother in Denver calls me up one day and says "Hey, I got Avs tickets! Wanna come with?" Even though the Avs suck, I decided, "Hell, it's a hockey game."
The game sucked. I knew that since this was Colorado, there was nothing to do. I decided to take a drive with my step-brother since he said that the area had great foliage.
"Hey, isn't that the highschool where those two kids shot up those people?"
"..."
"What?"
"My sister died there."
This day was getting off to a great fucking start. I decided to turn on the radio.
" Today, a memorial service will be held at the 12th Street Church for the ten year anniversary of the killings at Columbine Highschool."
Fuck it.
"In other news, Williamette residents have been complaining of an unexplained illness. Details later."
"Hey look, action! Can you drop me off in Williamette?"
"I don't know, asshole!"
He was crying. A 6'5, 220 pound man with a tattoo of a ninja on his left asscheek was crying. So much so, that he decided to drop me off at some Helicopter place. Yippee. A helicopter.
"Hi, my name is Frank, I've covered wars, I need a helicopter ride to Williamette, how much would that cost?"
"Well, it's a twenty minute ride about, so I'd say about 2,000$, give or take?"
"You don't understand, I need it urgently, my niece was shot and is at the hospital, and road traffic is blocked."
"Your niece was... shot?"
"Yeah, shot, in the shoulder or something."
"My... my niece died in Columbine ten years ago to this day..."
Jesus christ fucking monkeyshit.
"You can go, I'll have Ed take you, you need to see your nie... nie..."
"Niece?"
"Could I... have a moment?"
Why does God hate me? Anyways, I went out to go meet this Ed, as he would be the one taking me to what would appear to be a middle-low class white surbaban neighborhood.
"Hi, my name is Mister Ed, and I'll be your ride into the beautiful city of Williamette!"
"Do I have to ride you or something?"
"Not me, but my helicopter."
After some conversation, I decided to take a couple photos, I am after all, a photojournalist.
"Wow, lots of people in the street, wandering about aimlessly. Didn't know the Iraq War was that unpopular in Colorado."
"Yeah, the University of Colorado has a campus here. Anyways, it looks like we have to land at the mall, since there is no other helipad here."
"Not even at the hospital?"
"Nope."
"Why exactly does a mall in a town of around 53,000 have a helipad, yet a hospital serving an area of around 2.6 million not have one at all?"
"The college had it taken down, due to emissions of the helicopters flying above the campus."
"That makes no sense."
"Yeah, those damn libs ruin everything."
We landed at the mall five minutes later.
"Pick me up in three days, I've got to get to Pennsylvania."
"Pennsylvania?"
"Something about a zombie apocalypse, some hospital, shit like that."
"Alright, see you buddy."
As we landed, a man came out on to the landing pad to greet me.
"Mr. West, I've been expecting your arrival."
"Mexico is a few hundred miles from here."
"I'm not illegal."
"Course not."
I went inside the mall, looking for any sign of somebody American born.
"Barricade the damn door!"
"Hi, I'm Frank West, war coverer, what are those things standing outside the door?"
"Son, those are fucking zombies!"
"Zombies you say?"
"Yeah, fucking zombies!"
"Do you mind if I take pictures?"
"Yeah, actually, we have to barricade the damn door!"
Meanwhile, around six feet away from my current location...
"Madonna! Where's my Madonna!"
"Lady, what's wrong!"
"My Madonna!"
She ran towards the doors, and began taking everything down, in order to get to her Madonna.
"Lady, wait! Madonna hasn't released a good album in sixte-"
Just then, she got through the barricade. A seventy year old woman broke through a barricade, and two grown men, to get to her Madonna. I'd feel bad, but I don't have feelings.
"My Madonna!"
"Holy shit!"
"She broke the barricade!"
"Here they come!"
"Run for it!"
"Hey, what's that old man doing back there? Hey old man, could I please have a sec-"
And so ended the life of James Reece, aged twenty two.

James Reece
1987-2009
"Yeah, you died in vain."

"Everybody, get upstairs! Go, go!"
"We can't, we're getting eaten by zom-"
And so ended the life of Charles Johnson, aged 47.

Charles Johnson
1962-2009
"Generic character"

"Hi, I'm Frank West, war coverer, I'm the only one who made it."

To be continued...

Did you mention the free orange juice?