Thread: NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.'


ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.


ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.


ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.


ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)


ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.


ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.


ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.


ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)


ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.


ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)


ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

Originally Posted by Citizen X

'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along

Because nothing says "Get along" like a "Fuck you" right in the eye!

restore some semblance of justice

Hehe...

avoid more riots

Where, where?? I need me a new TV...

keep our nation safe

From... what?

promote positive behavior

"Positive" being what we say it is...

secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren

and their cybernetic sugar-daddies...

ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters

...all those other fuckbags who don't think exactly like us.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.

Other people, of course, have no idea what the Bill of Rights is, and instead write about the main clause instead of the amendments. But that's not us, no sir-ee-bob.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

Oprah says different!

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. [Emphasis added]

To wit...

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

Aww, you're no fun anymore.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. ... we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

You! That 6% of you who aren't working! Get a job you bums!

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

Pay no attention to that 8% of your paycheck going to Medicare, nothing to see here...

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

And our infallible justice system will ensure that no innocent ever burns for the wrong crime!

ARTICLE VII:...If you rob, cheat, or coerce ...don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

Supermax isn't punishment, it's a vacation! See the sights, take in the fresh air! Be gangraped! Get shanked by your local skinhead! Cavity searches! Crappy food! The imminent possibility of death!

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

Fuck knows where you'll get the money to financier something like that, what with no job and no welfare, but damnit! It's probably your own fault for not knowing how to do something someone will hire you for (and those of you with the skills but no market demand can all get sodded, because we all know that never happens, either! Can't use your MBA? Be an HVAC technician!)

Wait a minute... we seem to be +1 Article here from the original...

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Like all that crap on bigamy, necrophilia, pedophilia, jaywalking, gun regulation, Selective Service, Social Security, Medicare, the FCC, and civil rights! Buncha damn freedom-hatin' surrender-monkeys.

Now I know there aren't 9 articles in the original...

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)

O Irony, thy name art English. This is America, we speak American. Anyone else can go die in a hole, this country wasn't founded on ethnic diversity, no sir! It was founded to be as restrictive and exclusionary as possible!

Ten now? C'mon...

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage.

Time travel? Gimme!

The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

Which is exactly where it should stay, in history. Our heritage also includes slavery, literally branding women for adultery, and subjugating native peoples and resources for our own gain, and yet these things are not so well-spoken of today...

Eleven articles? A bit wordy, ya think?

Absolutisms are what make life worth living. :P

Draco

Originally Posted by draco7891

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)

O Irony, thy name art English. This is America, we speak American. Anyone else can go die in a hole, this country wasn't founded on ethnic diversity, no sir! It was founded to be as restrictive and exclusionary as possible!

Yes, immigrants can be from anywhere they want, but that doesn't mean they get to keep doing all the things they did when they were in their former country including, but not limited to, speaking their native language. All of my great-great grandparents learned English and taught their children English even though they were all German and could only speak German. Its rather simple really, if employers just don't hire people who can't speak English then people will be forced to learn the language when they arrive or before they get here in order to get a job when they do immigrate.

Originally Posted by Glitch

Originally Posted by draco7891

...

Well said, but Never let facts get in the way of a good story.

Article XII: You do not have the right to the money your Parents made. At age 18 you shall be removed from the home and forced to pay for your own housing and education and not allowed to fuck off on your parents dime. Inheritance is for the weak, earn your own money. Don't for get Articles I, IV, V, and VII.

Huh... sucks to be poor don't it?

Not sure if you are arguing for or against inheritence. Albeit, I will agree that it does produce some lazy kids. If your parents want to slave away their lives in order to make money to hand it over to you. Thats their right. I would phrase XII this way.

Article XII: You do not have the right to my families money. It is not my fault your parents spent all their time getting fat at the local buffet table, watching TV and drinking Miller High Life, rather than working overtime. It was not my fault they selfishly neglected to put any money away in the bank for the kids that will end up paying for their funeral. If you want an estate tax, be fair, everyone will lose 46% of their estate on death. If poor people paid the taxes of rich people they would complain a lot less.

Originally Posted by Wurzzzz

Yes, immigrants can be from anywhere they want, but that doesn't mean they get to keep doing all the things they did when they were in their former country including, but not limited to, speaking their native language.

Yea, like making pizza, beer, spaghetti, tacos, fried chicken, pies or hot dogs. If only those damnable immigrants had spent their time making some good old-fashioned American stuff instead of their cultural foods, like... maybe... er... uh...

I hope by now the fallacy of xenophobia has passed and you can begin to see how silly it is to hate other people for speaking another language. What makes English so uniquely special that you "must" speak/use it? It's complex, unruly, filled with exceptions, and worst of all most native-born Americans have a terrible time trying to use it, much less properly. :P

Its rather simple really, if employers just don't hire people who can't speak English then people will be forced to learn the language when they arrive or before they get here in order to get a job when they do immigrate.

At least 4 errors in that statement alone. You see how hard it is to use English?

Perhaps employers can also "just" stop hiring people in wheelchairs, after all if they want the job, they can just learn to use their legs again. It's a reductio ad absurdum, I admit, but it's no less true.

Draco

As you stated Draco, that's a silly point... Some people CAN'T learn to use their legs again, but I believe that just about anybody can learn the English language. Like what you said for the most part Citizen, some is a bit absolutist, but I like most of what you said.

Originally Posted by draco7891

Yea, like making pizza, beer, spaghetti, tacos, fried chicken, pies or hot dogs. If only those damnable immigrants had spent their time making some good old-fashioned American stuff instead of their cultural foods, like... maybe... er... uh...

I hope by now the fallacy of xenophobia has passed and you can begin to see how silly it is to hate other people for speaking another language. What makes English so uniquely special that you "must" speak/use it? It's complex, unruly, filled with exceptions, and worst of all most native-born Americans have a terrible time trying to use it, much less properly. :P

You're using the time honored tradition of putting words into peoples mouths!
I never expressed xenophobia and I don't "hate" others for speaking other languages. English is special in America because its the language everyone speaks! You act like it would be okay to just go to a new job or visit a new place and then not conform to their way of doing business or life because its "not uniquely special." What does that have to do with anything!? If anything you should be trying to integrate with your co-workers or neighbors in order to fit in. Would you go to other countries and force them to learn English just because you speak it? I can't speak for you, but I doubt that you would. People would laugh at you if you tried. Well just like them, I don't expect people to do that in America.

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