Thread: GI Joe Review

Hilarious review on LF.net

I think all truly heinous milk-curdling rants should have a 'w' in front of them. When rant + wrath = turning bull elephants sterile; it should be 'wrants'.

That said... I've held my optimism in check about what is now, without a doubt, an utter abortion of a film by Stephen Summers -this... sorry, I had to choke down the bile (did I eat that?)... this GI Joe pile of passed Olestra.

A new clip of the film was released on MTV, and a few other sites are carrying it. I won't provide a link to this hideous spectre of fail, because thanks to Ninja-fan in the Primary thread and the Crossbow fan-boy momentary overrun at that position, we need some things to balance out in the LF universe.

No more gheyness.

But, by God, we can sure filet this meterosexual mass of imbecilic retardation in hopes THAT NO ONE WASTES ONE CENT ON THIS MOVIE.

First; if you see the clip... well, you will probably, like me, stare in disbelief for several minutes afterwards. I highly encourage you to wait... because your Cold-Fury-Factor is actually rising to danger levels. And it is good. Embrace it. Its the new Super Soldier Drug of Hateness. You'll want to burn down health-food stores, and punch adolescent males who wear tight jeans in the pills, righting thier wrongness and they will thank you for it.

Let's talk Wrong. This is a Wrant, with a big ol' capital DUBYA, so lets fire that to melts-through-diamond-plate level and talk WRONG.

-Wrong: Storm Shadow is a metero homo airsofter with a day-glo RPG, in a white SUIT and a blow-dry hair-do.

I'm sorry; Storm Shadow shows his face in two places; his dojo, and Snake Eyes' cabin in the wiles of the north woods. Anybody else... its masked face of hi-this-is-your-spleen-because-I-gutted-you-with-a-600-year-old-short-katana-so-feel-the-history-b**ch. Storm Shadow doesn't have to kick in dooors, either, because he will crawl through a light-socket, or scale the face of the building with his bare hands, reach through a hole he cuts in the window with a dull train token, and steal your daughter's virginity -or the secret plans to the weather destructo device. Wichever happens to be on the menu. Ninjas aren't Red-Bull-fueled manic asian fag-boys; ninjas blow in the wind with the tall grass, wait for ambient noise to mask thier footfalls, are patient as the tides, and rely on anything besides a synth-trac ADD-fan-kid soundtrack to get thier kill on. FAIL.

-Wrong: Baroness. Baroness does not operate solo. Baroness rolls in with a platoon of HISS tanks, driving the lead vehicle, and blowing up hybrids all the way down Champ D' Elysse, or as I call it; Gutless Coward Court. I like mine better. Baroness rolls with hordes of Trek-Red-Shirt Cobra foot-soldiers. Baroness has a unidentifiable eastern-euro accent. Baroness doesn't sound like a WASP from Rockville, MD. If Baroness likes your shoes; she doesn't complement you. She caps you in the head with a stainless sidearm of choice, takes your shoes and hands them to a helmeted minion, leaves you for dead, and then buys out the shoe company, because no one else will have those shoes. FAIL.

-Wrong: The two-unidentifiable Joes in some gay armor super-ghey-soldier armor.

Look... Joes don't need armor. Joes actually work out, punk boys. Joes spend more time in the gym, and don't spend all thier time squeezing pimples and checking Twitter. Ya know why? Cuz' REAL American Heroes, also known as GI JOE, have actually been through $#!*. REAL Joes have actually been through the .Mil schools "when it was hard". REAL Joes really are "Ranger-qualified", have been in The Suck, and thier idea of tough day is not losing cell service or a cold latte`. Punk. Get up that wall the old fashioned way, nimrod; guile and cunning. And then, shoot 'em in the f'ing face. Armor... and no weapon. Yeah. You're a fag. FAIL.

Three FAILs and you're outted as epic FAG-ness. If thier was a Mount Fag, the famed mountain of Fagness, where all things Ghey originate, this film would headlining at the Super 12 Fagatheater, on three screens.

GI JOE... is a Special Mission Unit. GI JOE had Reagan-esque funding. GI JOE was made up of veterans and specialists who were watched over by the veterans. Even the veterans feared Snake Eyes. Duke was the guy who brought you out of the $#!*, with a wink and a call-for-fire, and some shooting in the face, and breaking off a Ka-Bar in Cobra's @$$. Scarlett was the chick who taught you how to fight when you got to GI JOE HQ -wich is CONUS, btw -not in Fagland, capital of the People's Republic of Ghey. Joes were allowed to be individuals -because they'd earned that right. They wore what worked for them, becuase they were trusted to do thier jobs -shoot Cobra in the f'ing face. Either by stealth, by SWS, by high-intensity laser, by AIM-9 missile, or HE tank round; Joe's job is KILL COBRA.

That's it.

Oh, you got your awesome ninja, Cobra? We got the ninja who took your ninja's birthright, and figured out the REAL Wui Zhi finger hold of doom. His sword was beaten into 300 layers of awesome on the anvil of KILL. With Thor's hammer. And sharpened with lightning. He sneaks up on bats. I got your FAIL right here, Cobra, on the tip of my throwing knife.

One day... someone will come along, and will be as outraged as I -and will make the GI JOE with double huevo bag of cool. With respect. With the awesome. Scarlett will be rescued with silence from a mountain fortress by Snake-eyes. H2H battles between Snake and Storm-Shadow will be punctuated by Borebrush's favorite soundtrack; GUNFIRE AND MAYHEM.

Gung-ho will be a frakking surgeon with 40mm. Doc will treat wounded with one hand and knee, and shoot Cobra in the face with the other. Stalker will be the Ranger. Rock-and-roll with have a C-RAT can welded to the feedramp of his '60, no 240-Bravo for this old-school heavy machine-gunner. Ace will down Cobra aircraft like a flaming golden hawk in a cloud of retarded sparrows. Flint will snap Cobra necks and flirt with Lady J. Cover Girl will unleash a locust's-cloud of supporting fire, missiles and artillery, while still looking smokin' hot. Mutt will scare dogs and small children, and sniff out Cobra. Recondo will be at home in the Jungle, and Snow Job will kill Snow Vipers with impunity.

and it will rule. It will be the 8th Level of Dante's Awesomeness that we deserve. And then, and only then, will this cold, stomach hardening fury be appeased.

Until then... I shall drink coffee over the grave of Stephen Sommers' career, with a cruel smile -the kind of smile only someone who knows how the REAL GI Joe's smile when they have defeated thier enemy with panache. The smile of "TAKE THAT, COBRA".

Yo Joe!

still going to see it...it pulls me.

GI Joe Resolute was sick.