Apologies

**laggyNgroovy** · 08-17-09, 01:16 AM

I was really looking forward to meeting several of you at QuakeCon. If I've been somewhat standoffish for the last few days, it is because I've had other things on my mind.

Someone close to me shared the following poem to me many years ago. As dark as it may be, it was one of her favorites. On Friday morning, as I was parking the TTP vehicle at QuakeCon on Friday morning, I was informed that she is no longer with us. Tuesday morning, I get to bear witness to a Hindu funeral ceremony.

This is venting for me. If you don't like poetry, fuck off.

Poet - Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, ‘The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

**vafaskillz** · 08-17-09, 01:21 AM

Forgetting is long, and I know you will never forget her and she will hold a special place in your heart. For what its worth, I tought you held your head up high and you were very strong throughout the weekend. May she rest in peace and Im sorry for your loss.

**Albemuth** · 08-17-09, 01:21 AM

Neruda is greatness..Sorry for your loss.

**xis** · 08-17-09, 01:23 AM

Sorry to hear about your loss man. May she rest in peace.

**TehSpaz** · 08-17-09, 01:30 AM

I dunnoe what's goin on, but we're here for ya man.

May your loved one live on in your heart....nobody is ever truely gone as long as they remain in memories.

**Tick** · 08-17-09, 01:30 AM

Wow.

Laggy, I honestly had no idea you were dealing with something like this this weekend. From my standpoint, you weren't standoffish or anti-social in the least, so don't worry about that. In fact, you were one of the nicest guys I met all weekend. I'm really sorry you had to deal with that, regardless of what weekend it was, but the fact that you were still able to come and hang out with a bunch of random strangers for the weekend speaks volumes about your character, and is one of the many reasons why I will always love this community, heart and soul, for as long as there are people like you keeping the wheels turning.

My prayers will be with your friend and you, brother.

**DancingCorpse** · 08-17-09, 01:34 AM

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
George Bernard Shaw
Irish dramatist & socialist (1856 - 1950)

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns
US actor & comedian (1896 - 1996)

Death can sneak up on you like a silent kitten, surprising you with it's touch and you have a right to act surprised. Other times death stomps in the front door, unwanted and unannounced, and makes it's noisy way to your seat on the sofa.
Hugh Elliott, Bible Versus, 11-27-08
Author of the Standing Room Only Weblog (http://blogs.salon.com/0001573/).

When you lose someone you love, you die too, and you wait around for your body to catch up.
John Scalzi, Old Man's War, 2005

We all go through it, we all understand. May she rest in peace and your soul heal with pleasant times.
DancingCorpse, 2009

**~~Cyanide~~** · 08-17-09, 01:43 AM

I understand what you are going through. *sigh* This summer... I lost 2 friends. It was not easy putting on a face in front of my parents, but Im not one to thrive off attention. I hate attention. It was the roughest time of my life and I thought about giving up... but giving up is quitting and Im not a quitter. I have one shot at this life, and Ill be damned if I dont make a difference.

As for you, you will be in my prayers tonight, and weeks to come. I am not a hardcore christian, but praying doesnt hurt anyone. You, Her, and her Family are in my prayers.

If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to send me a PM.

I know what your going through is rough, but keep your head up high and remember the good times, not the bad. Once again, need someone to talk to? I, and all of TTP members, are here for you. We are a family, so feel free to PM someone if you need to talk.

Keep your head up high soldier!

Your TTPmate,
.t|H|?. CyaniDe

**DancingCorpse** · 08-17-09, 01:43 AM

And also, it takes a real man to take that kind of loss and stick their head right back up in the air and walk in and go to business like you did.

**HuntnJade** · 08-17-09, 10:58 AM

Wow Lag, that's awful. I have no idea how you carried it off. That is super strength! I am really sorry for your loss and so sorry it happened when it did... seems like life likes to kick you when you're down sometimes.
May you're heart heal and your mind never forget the good times.