Thread: ATI Radeon

Preface: Okay, so this isn't actually a mod. Instead, it's a completely different way of playing! If you like this sort of thing, check out Matt and the Bear for more Alternative Games!

Ingredients:

• Co-op Mode
• 3-4 human players
• Easy difficulty
• Any campaign
• A passion for dicking over your friends

Directions:

• Gather everyone at the door, remove bar
• Collectively count to three, open on three
• Race to the finish

Rules:

• Only one health pack apiece, per set
• Only one molotov/pipe bomb apiece, per set
• Burning friends alive encouraged

Scoring:

1. 5 points for 1st, 3 for 2nd, 2 for 3rd, 1 for 4th, 0 (and shame) for death
2. 2 points for activating a crescendo
3. Like in Mario Kart, points accumulate per round
4. Total health divided by 10 as you board the finale escape vehicle (pills count, and who boards first doesn’t matter)
5. The person with the most points at the end wins tea-bagging rights until the next circuit

So you’ve finally gone and done it: You’ve mastered the zombie apocalypse. Pushing Hunters off your buddies is as natural to you as scratching your balls the instant you have an itch (itch optional). You’ve legally changed your name to Teamwork McGee, and now when you’re out in the real world with your buddies, you skip hand-in-hand across the street, scratching each other’s balls at the slightest hint of scrotal twitch. You may have staved off zombification, but your feel-good antics have done something far more terrifying: pussification! If you continue being such a namby-pamby team-player, the next time you reach for your testicles you may find a pair of labia instead.

I, for one, am very fond of my testes, and I enjoy displaying their epic size via rebelliousness. I say, to hell with teamwork! Fuck your boyscout rules. It’s time for every man for himself in the most badass race setting this side of Road Rash. It’s time for Mario Kart with motherfucking zombies. It’s time for Left 4 Speed, the manliest way to survive the zombiepocalypse and breathe new life into Left 4 Dead.

This mini-game plays amazingly similarly to Mario Kart, in fact, as Tanks show up and prison-rape you for being in first place like so many sex-starved blue shells. Boomers are like being covering in rotting banana peels that attract hordes of homeless people, turning you into the sexiest trash can alive. Wtiches are like rabid Chain Chomps, and Hunters and Smokers are a wrathful God chucking shells at you. Every zombie is a speed bump in your journey to winning the Pill Cup, and the “stay-together” mechanics of the game keep the races ever close. Just like with Mario Kart, skill is only a tiny part of winning. Anyone can enjoy the hell out of this!

In fact, my buddies and I have fallen so in love with Left 4 Speed that we refuse to play the game any other way. We trash talk over the mics like geek street ballers, taunting and laughing as we stand over each other, watching as a hunter tears our buddy several new orifices. Sometimes a Tank is your only savior, or if you have an AI ally, he may be worth keeping alive if you don’t enjoy death-by-tentacle-rape. Of course, temporary alliances can be forged on the fly if one player is pulling ahead too far. This mini-game can become fiercely competitive, but the important thing is having fun! And proving to your friends that you have testicles bigger than Bruce Campbell’s.