Thread: L4D: Origins (a fanfic by Lardcake212)

To Voodoo Shoe:

The prologue is an anonymous account of the beginning, but the story primarily follows the four survivors in a third person omniscient perspective, with the exception of an epilogue that is a diary entry from an Army Ranger.

I am currently in the process of rewriting the story and refining it, you can find the link in this thread - admittedly I'm a bit slow on it, but right now I'm getting bu-fued by finals.

" for a wild second, the Slater’s thought that they were proceeding to rape Zoey."

I thought Bill was a little old for that. He has good taste, though

One thing I noticed was that you stated the "spare fuel tanks" would provide the Blackhawk with another 500 miles, and then when they rerouted the auxiliary tanks it extended the Blackhawk's effective range by 700 more miles. Leave it to me to find something like that.

hello! first off I'd like to compliment on you for going out there and writing fanfic on Left 4 Dead, I'm glad to see more of it and I've really been searching for other people's views on the characters backgrounds and why they are the way they are. Since I too do a lot of writing(mainly scripts and screenplays) I just have a few tips of advice for you just in case you want a tiny bit of constructive criticism from someone who does a lot of writing as well.
Mainly, I'd like to say that the writing is creative and that's a good start. I think to make your writing a bit more enjoyable, it would be good to revise some of it to help it flow better. I can tell from reading this that you're an intelligent person, which is great! but at the same time putting too much information that isn't completely relivant to the story takes away a little from the natural flow of things, which can throw a reader off, or confuse them.
The only other tip I have, is to get into your characters' heads just a little more, to make them more believeable. You need to get into that character and think "how exactly would he/she react?" Say you watched people who were ordering ice cream. Think of how and why each character would order what they order; are they eating it because they are sad?, will they be sad because they eat it?.... and Parents; are they getting their kids' ice cream for a treat?, or to shut them up?.... it sounds silly but even watching people order ice cream will teach you a lot about who rhat person is, which could lead you to learn how they got that way.

I hope that my advice helps and I hope you keep writing, You've got a great start here and I would enjoy seeing more.

Originally Posted by Voodoo Shoe

yeah i found the link - and ive read a little more the bill story ...i'll get there slowly but surely!

It's always hard to critic other peoples writing...purely because everyone has their own unique voice!
I'm writing my own novel and have been lucky enough to have spoken to a published author and get a few tips....so i might aswell pass down her wisdom aswell because she obvioulsy knows what shes doing because she has a 3 books published

The thing i have noticed so far is the lack of empahsis with colour.... by this i mean



instead of just say 'tattered green Army jacket' say something more punchy like a 'tattered moss green army jacket'

like your giving the colour a name if you know what i mean? because there are so many greens out there!
But its up to you - it your style.

also maybe add a little bit more depth



maybe be more descriptive but not too descriptive...like say as a quick example

'he was slouched in his beer stained corded armchair riddled by moth holes, the living room matching the same state as the armchair. Bill was watching the news on a dusty television set.'

BUT...like i said its hard to critic because i've changed what you have done to suit my style which may be totally different to yours.

To be honest just keep doing your thing and never give up. But definately give your colour colour ... little things like that add so much more to a character!

Other than that...excellent work.

Wonderful words of advise. If anyone wants a really good taste of this tecnique, you should go pick up a copy of George R. R. Martin's book A Game Of Thrones(and yes, there is a card game inspired by the book) which is the first part in a series of books called "A Song of Ice and Fire". He is my favorite writer. The way he explain things and details things is beautiful and inspiring. It sounds silly, and over-said, but you really feel like you know his characters and feel like you are there. I believe every writer should check him out, for a taste of something different.

Lardcake212,

I have to say I was absolutely engrossed in your tale from start to finish and I am currently following your progress on the edit on Fanfiction.net.

Part of the reason I joined the forum finally (after spending so long lurking) was to comment on your rendition of the origins of the various characters and the disease itself. If your story were a book I wouldn't have been able to put it down. I was impressed with the expertise you displayed in relaying various story lines and explaining intricate details that those of us who play the game might not otherwise have thought of. I was particularly interested in your knowledge of weaponry and actually had an ongoing discussion with my boyfriend about how you might know so much about all these different types of weapons. It was kind of a little mystery to go along with my enjoyment of your fic.

I did notice the tense errors and could sense how rushed you were when writing (I wouldn't even want to attempt taking on such a project while working on school) and I'm glad they're being remedied in your rewritten version. I always thought a backstory would help enrich the story of Left 4 Dead and help give me perspective on the characters. I never expected the kind of emotions and intrigue that I experienced when reading your story. I have to say your story drew me in on all levels and I'm anxiously awaiting your re-writes to see how you change the course of the story and improve your original work.

Just a few criticisms (more personal opinion than constructive): I was sad that you killed off Francis in the original story. While it gave new dimension to his character and showed his honorable, protective side, I felt like it killed most of the dark humor that makes the actual game play of L4D itself fun. I always see Francis as a "laughing in the face of danger" sort of character and it pained me that his comedic tone was lost from the rest of the work. I'm not sure if you're changing this element in your re-write, but I personally, would enjoy seeing more of Francis and what his attitude and personality add to the grim circumstances the survivors face later on.

In your re-write you have Francis rescuing Zoey rather than her borrowing a rifle from the ROTC at her school and Francis meeting Louis first. This struck me more as a "rescuing the damsel in distress" device and lost a lot of Zoey's strength and resolve from the original story. While this is an interesting change in plot, I prefer Louis and Francis' rapport from your first version and how Louis was Francis' "best friend in zombieland", etc. I'm not sure how you're planning to develop this in future chapters, but I have confidence you'll be able to shake my doubt surrounding this development.

And lastly, I wasn't entirely impressed with how you introduced/named the special infected in the original story. I found it kind of coincidental that Louis and Francis collectively had run into the major three and just haphazardly decided to name them right there on the spot like it was a casual sort of thing. Also the whole naming conversation just came off sort of cheesy to me and I wished the SI had been introduced in a more mysterious way, as if revealed over time, only caught in glimpses, etc.

These are only really personal opinions and reactions to how I felt about passages you wrote, so you don't have to change anything on my account, just thought I would give you my perspective rather than just gush about how much I enjoyed your story. Which I did, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed it regardless of the few criticisms I have. It was a very engaging and interesting read that really brought me into the world of of your characters. I believed in their motivations and thought processes and it made me invested in their well-being.

Sorry for rambling, just thought I'd throw in my two cents for what it's worth.