[STORY] LEFT 4 DEAD: Home Coming [STORY]

**Lardcake212** · 03-06-09, 05:42 PM

Is it just me or did you start coloring your story text orange after I did it for "L4D: Origins"?

Nah, I'm just messing with you - it helps to color the text so readers don't get nearsighted.

Anyway, my verdict after reading. First, the good parts. Your conventions have improved since the other stories, and it's good that you colored the text. The story is clear on what is happening.

Now, the "needs improvement" section. While your conventions improved, they still need a considerable amount of work. I'm still seeing a lot of odd capitalization, poor punctuation and poor grammar. It's a good thing I know exactly who the characters are already, because your characterization is honestly quite weak. Already you killed off Bill and Louis. Yet, I really don't feel any emotional connection with them - in essence, they don't feel like major, realistic characters. Another suggestion: use adjectives and describe. Description is essential to a story so that it creates a picture in the reader's mind.

I'd say continue your work, but really try and slow it down and take the time to characterize and describe. It makes the story seem a lot more in depth.

Best of luck,
Lardcake212

PS: I also wrote a L4D story/fanfiction, titled "L4D: Origins." If you haven't read it, search for it, I always like more people to read it.

**LEFT 4 DEAD** · 03-07-09, 06:53 AM

Part IV: Louis Fight For Survival
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Louis tried to get in the house but Francis shut him out. His legs began to tremble in fear as he knew that what was behind him wanted to kill him. He banged rapidly on the floor for Francis to let him in but he wouldn’t. Louis looked behind him as a he saw a maul full of Infected running down the road towards him. He had no more bullets left in his Gun, as he had no other choice to carry run down the road from the Infected. He began to breathe heavily as his eyes were wide open and he looked like he could run another 10 miles. The Infected were destined to get him as Louis didn’t even look back to see what was behind him. He ran down an alleyway as he could still hear the infected moaning and groaning from behind him.

He saw a house and he persuaded to get there. He looked around at the top of the buildings as he saw hunters slowly crawling waiting for its pounce on the prey. He ran to the door and shoulder barged his shoulder into the door as he went crashing through it. Louis slowly fell to the floor as he saw the infected running. He regained himself back up as he ran back to the door and quickly shut it before the infected could get in. Louis looked at his shoulder as he could see pieces of wood which had pierced into his skin.
“AHHH... FUCK!”
Louis slowly pulled out the pieces of wood which had pierced right through into his skin. He slowly pressed his back onto the wall and fell to floor as he put his hands over his eyes and began to drop down in distress. The blood which was on his shirt showed a thousand words for Louis, the amount of pain and suffering he had gone through for survival. Louis ripped of his Cross necklace as he kissed it and begged the Lord to survive through this and that he can get out of this and get back “HOME”.

He put the Cross in his pocket as the infected started to screech even louder then before. He quickly got up and he began to run up the stairs as quick as possible. The Infected crashed through as Louis continued to run up 8 sets of stairs for survival. Louis chucked everything he could find down the stairs to either knock the infected down or just to slow them down. Louis looked down the stairs a couple of times as he saw the infected coming up the stairs. He tried to open a few doors but they wouldn’t work so he ran up a few more stairs. He got to the 12th set of stairs as he opened one flat room which he got into. He had a smile on his face like God above had saved him. Louis ran in and shut the door behind him as he looked around the room which was a complete utter mess like a nuclear bomb had hit it.

Louis looked at the walls as he saw writing on the wall saying, “You can’t kill them, they’re too tough “Don’t get biting, signs occur after 4 hours after bitten “6/6/06 “.
Louis looked at the date as he saw it was 6/6/06 the day that the supposed Devil’s son was born named Damien. Louis got a chair as he smashed the chair through the window. He used the chair again to knock out any remaining bits of glass still attached to the window. Louis chucked the chair as he got onto the balcony of the window. Louis saw a set of stairs as he began to walk down them further away from the infected. Louis went down around 5 sets of stairs in the open of the balcony as he went down a ladder and began to climb down the ladder. He paused for a few seconds as a tear came to his eye, as he began to reminisce the day of his wedding with his beautiful wife named Samantha. The last day he saw her was 6 months the day of the first Infected. He went to work that day at his (IT) computer department as he kissed her went off to work and told her he would be back later that night.

Louis never returned that night because the first outbreak of the first infected unleashed. Louis checked the T.V that night as he saw the building of flats where he and his wife lived was on fire. The reporter confirmed that at the moment there is no possible survivors and that they are all pronounced dead. The infected then occurred at the building as the TV’s began to cut out as he never knew if his wife was alive or was dead. He began to regain back to real life as he continued to climb down the ladder.

In the distance, he saw Zoey and Francis fighting off the infected on top of another building as he tried to signal at them he was still alive. Francis aimed his gun at Louis as he said to himself:
“That crazy mother fucker he survived”
Zoey went beside Francis to see what he was looking at as they saw Louis on the other side of the street not too far away waving at them. Francis & Zoey were continuing down the street fighting of the many infected as Louis was fighting for survival. Francis nodded as the first time in his life he had a smile on his face and Zoey began to had a tear to her eye has a friend she had known for 6 months during the infected did in fact survive. Louis began to break down in tears as he knew he would regain back to his team-mates and would hopefully get out of the so called time of: “Z-DAY”

**LEFT 4 DEAD** · 03-07-09, 05:00 PM

Z-Day Time: 3:21am. 6 months after first infected.

Francis and Zoey looked over as they saw a beaten and tired Louis. Francis smirked in the first time in his life as he said to himself:
“That crazy mother fucker, he made it.”
Zoey looked to see what Francis was looking at as she could see Louis was waving at them signalling that he was a live and he made it. Louis was on the other side of the road. They couldn’t get down because there were tons of infected in the street. Louis had a pipe bomb in his right hand pocket as he looked at it and realised that the infected would find that as movement and would chase after it.

Louis grabbed the pipe bomb but before he went out to chuck it he saw hundreds of infected getting shot. He looked beside him to see where the firing was coming from as he saw the U.S Military shooting the Infected. Francis and Zoey were on top of the building as they saw U.S armoured military tanks firing at the Infected as the U.S military soldiers were shooting any infected that they began to see. Zoey waved her hands and started to shout waving…:
“ Up here, were not infected… were up here “
The soldiers looked up as they aimed their guns point blank at Zoey and Francis as they scoped into them seeing if they were remaining infected or in fact last remaining survivors.
“Its safe now, you can come down now. Have you been bit “
Zoey and Francis went down the stairs and opened the door as the soldiers still aiming their guns at them asking them if they had been bit or been infected.

Louis came from around the corner as he waved his hands claiming that he is a survivor. The soldiers quickly turned to Louis as they questioned him to stop numerous of times.
“Stay right there. Don’t come any closer. Stay right there “
Louis eventually stopped as the soldiers saw blood and a deep cut on Louis shoulder. They said if he was bitten and he said to them:
“No a piece of wood cut into me, I’m not infected “
The U.S Military captain Cpt. Plymouth told them to drop their aim as he began to explain the happenings to Louis, Francis, and Zoey.
“My names Cpt. Plymouth I’m the captain of the U.S Military service, we didn’t think they’re was still any survivors, we thought they all turned into them”
Zoey harshly interrupted Cpt. Plymouth as she began to ask him:
“What has this turned into a war now… there shouldn’t have been a war to begin with. HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?”
“All we know is were fighting against them and if we see any of them we kill them. At the moment this has turned into a name which has never been heard humanity Z-Day”
Francis began to then speak to the Cpt. As he asked him:
“What the fuck is Z-Day is this some kind of joke; this has turned into a fucking war?”
“It was a war when the first outbreak occurred, look stay with us and we can get you out of here away from the infected”

Cpt. Plymouth sat with the survivors in the first tank, as he went through what he thought occurred the infected.
“They say the outbreak started when a group of scientist were testing a new project on certain types of animals. They were trying to invent something new having the abilities to be able to be stronger and have a mind like a human being. It knew what it was but it couldn’t control what it does”

Louis looked down at himself as he took the cross out of his pocket and rubbed his fingers across it as he looked back and interrupted the Cpt. As he quietly said to him:
“You know were going to die don’t you?”
Cpt. Plymouth stopped as he said to Louis:
“I don’t think the U.S Military is powerful enough to stop them but I do believe we have the technology to put those mother fuckers to rest”
Louis smiled as he said to Captain Plymouth:
“Do you have a wife? Do you know what it’s like to think someone is dead when you don’t know if they are? Do you know what the fuck it feels like to wonder every second and minute thinking that those mindless fucks could be my wife?”
Captain Plymouth stayed silent for a few seconds. As he was about to speak the U.S Military tank stopped as the red siren began to go off according it as danger.

The Captain went to the front of the tank and asked what was going on. Francis got up as he worriedly looked to see what was going on. The Captain ran quickly past the survivors as he got up onto the turret as he looked to see what was happening. He saw a massive large tank knocking the tanks one by one. The soldiers began to come out of the tanks as they began to shoot at the massive infected named the tank. The tank grabbed a massive large piece of concrete from the road he the soldiers looked up it as they began to run the tank chucked the large concrete at the soldiers as it smashed into the soldiers. The U.S Military tanks began to shoot at the infected tank finally killing it as it dropped to its knees and fell to the floor dead.

The Captain got out of the tank as he looked at the tank and wanted an injection of this malfunctioned infected. The Captain put an injection in the tank as he pressed down and the tanks blood began to come out. The Captain wanted to study what different kinds of infected there are as he wanted to experiment them and take them to Dr Stanton. The Captain told everyone to get back in the tanks as they were heading back to the U.S Military HQ as they were to experiment the new infected and how the infected could finally be stopped.

**LEFT 4 DEAD** · 03-24-09, 01:50 PM

Anyone think I should carry on this story, I've done stories now for ages and my best one was [STORY] LEFT 4 DEAD: The Beginning [STORY] With over 1,100 Views. I am deciding whether you think I should carry this story on.

**birdman2213** · 07-07-10, 07:01 PM

well i think you should keep it going because you cant end the story like that i want to know if they get killed or the army kills all the infected or what happens i like the story and i want it to have a good ending

**Unlimited Texts** · 07-08-10, 02:36 AM

Originally Posted by D3struction

I notice a few things.
1)You copied No Mercy:Rooftop Finale.
2)No Mercy is a hospital. Not an IT room.
3)You only need to do (computer) after IT once. We know what it is when or before you even say that.
Other than that, nice.

Note that most stories are copied in some way. some you need to look deep, some are just obvious.

Great story, couldn't stop reading!