Thread: BF2142 - Suez Canal 6-21-07 - BD clan admin abuse

ah thats who lemmy is?

This thread is EXTREMMELY offensive

Oh man, so offensive yet so funny.

Originally Posted by Sa Anupuw

ah thats who lemmy is?

Lemmy = Motorhead's bassist.

Originally Posted by Mr.Funsocks

This thread is EXTREMMELY offensive

well then don't post or look in this thread then, the thread is ment to be funny...

dont let daddy kiss me

Ok that made me laugh Biggus..

"another random dog, LOL!"

:lol::lol:

Why is Jesus lucky?

He got nailed three times in one night.

Why is Jesus unlucky?

He got nailed three times in one night... by guys!

Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?

They keep falling through his hands.

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus. "Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.


Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.
Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.
But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water. When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

A man walks into a church and tells a priest that he wants to join his religion.

The priest says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow; you cannot get an erection during the testing period." The man agrees.

The priest strips the man of his clothing, ties a bell around his penis and puts him in a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. The priest sends a naked woman across the room and all the bells are quiet, save for the man's.

The man begs for another chance, which finally is granted. The woman walks by and the man's bell rings again. The priest says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this religion."

As the man bends down to pick up his clothes, all the other nine bells start ringing.

Pull aside an unruly child in a pre-school Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."

Put stray dogs in coat closets.

Un-tune the piano.

Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".

Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.

Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"

Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

Start a wave.

Do cool things with the lighting.

When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".

Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"

Make up your own words to the songs.

Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"

Dress all in black, or in camo.

Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewellery. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.

If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.

Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.

Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

Inflate balloons, then send them off.

Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.

Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."

Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.

Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.

Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.

When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

Turn to your neighbour, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me" and lick them.

Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"

Blow bubbles.

Fake a possession.

Distribute condoms.

Speak in tongues.

Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

Drool in the collection plate.

Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.

Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".

At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.

Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.

Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"

Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

What's your religion?

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."

14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."

18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."

19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."

20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

23. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

24. Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.


and if you read all this my God I'll give you some rep lol...