Thread: The Jokes

Originally Posted by Cojiro

limey brits

Hey!

Originally Posted by jmw_man

I wish I knew what the brits said next, lmao

Oh excuse me ol' chap for the spot of bother. And then diverted before the captain began to write a letter of disgust to the Irish.

Originally Posted by maximusboomus

Originally Posted by Cojiro

limey brits

Hey!

lol quick question... what does limey mean?

i was wondering that when i posted it hopefully its not something too offensive. then i thought about how often its used so i said screw it, cant be too bad

OK this was just too good to not post ..... excuse me if it offends anyone

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, and asks his family doctor
how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what
we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red
paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."


Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding
night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...",
you hit her with the shovel.'

Lol, gotta love the Irish!

http://www.baconbabble.com/index.php...uction-worker/

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a home on the empty lot.

The young family had a 5 year old little girl, who of course took an interest in what was going on next door. She began hanging around the construction site. The crew came to adopt her as sort-of a construction site mascot. They even would give her odd jobs to make her really feel part of the crew. At the end of her first week, the foreman called her into his office and presented her with a five dollar bill. He thanked her for all of her hard work and sent her on her way.


So excited the little girl ran home to show her proud mom. Her mom mentioned that she might start a savings account down at the local bank. Next thing you know they are at the bank and the little girl told the entire story to the nice young lady behind the counter.

Amazed, the bank lady replied, “My goodness! Will you be working on building the house again this week too?”


To which the little girl replied, “I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us plywood worth a shit.”

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch…


The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about the leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of says, “Here squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine?”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says….

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

^ one of my favorites, lol

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Originally Posted by deputyfestus

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

LOL!!!! OHHH that is great!! what did the kid say/do wish i would have seen that live LOL how funny :9

Originally Posted by deputyfestus

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

+1 for Old Man Festus! :9