Christmas with her family or mine?

**jmw_man** · 08-04-09, 07:25 AM

So I've been with my girl almost 5 years now. So far, we've been lucky during the holidays, last year it was in Brasil with her family, before that it was in New Mexico with both families, before that it was in New York with her family, before that it was in Houston with both families.

So here's the delimma:
Her mother loves christmas and wants to see her two children every christmas. By "want" it's pretty much a requirement. My girl and I see my family a few times out of the year but I would really like to flip flop back and forth every other year in regards to who I spend christmas with.

I would like to go 50/50, my girl doesn't want to hurt her mother's feelings and wants to spend it with her family. We've spoken about it off and on for the past few months and we agreed that she would try to convince her mother to see them over thanksgiving. I guess that fell through. My girl's brother even said to my girl "all she wants is christmas, you owe her that much."

My girl doesn't like the idea of spending christmas apart from each other 50% of the time if I do the 50/50 thing and she spends it with her family every year. She thinks it will confuse the kids if and when we ever have them. Basically, last night, she gave me the option to leave.

**ninja|oaklandr** · 08-04-09, 08:07 AM

Things like this are always difficult, but it needs to be established now or it will never change. I am guessing that both families live out of town so they can't both be visited during the holidays. I spend mine with my wife's family because she has 2 sisters and 6 nieces/nephews. I have 0 siblings. For us it's all about the kids.

What does her brother mean by "all she wants is christmas, you owe her that much."? Seems like he is trying to make her feel bad and not looking at the whole picture with you.

**Steggy_1** · 08-04-09, 08:10 AM

I had the same discussion with my wife years ago. We do the 50 - 50 thing. My parents had a difficult time with it. Came down to boundaries...who had control of our marriage and relationship...can't please everyone. Now with the twins we rotate between Easter and Christmas...they don't get confused...always enjoy spending time with grandparents.
Your situation seems more difficult...I dated my wife for 9 years because we couldn't agree on important topics...spent a long time talking and working things out. It might be advisable to go along with your girl's desire for Christmas and re-visit the discussion at a later date...this might avoid anyone saying something they might regret. However, this is only my opinion, don't know if it is very helpful.

**WileECyte** · 08-04-09, 08:16 AM

Growing up, we would alternate Thanksgiving & Christmas between the grandparents. We'd do Thanksgiving with my dad's parents and then Christmas with my mom's parents. Next year, we'd switch.

**JBMCW2010** · 08-04-09, 08:25 AM

It all comes down to location, where are both families? Is it possible to do something like Christmas Eve w/family A and Christmas Day w/Family B then switch the next year?

I am fortunate because my GFs parents live only 20-30 minutes from my family. So we will see both on any holiday. We'll generally spend the mornings with our own family then drive to meetup with the other then travel back to the other family once done with the first.

So for Thanksgiving, I eat with my family she eats with hers. I go to her house for desert. Then I take her to my great-grandmother's (dinner at grandparents then leftovers after football at great-grandmother's) to see my whole family. Then I drop her off and go home and spend the rest of the day with my immediate family.

Similarly Christmas my grandparents have a party christmas eve. we stay there till 8 or 9 then go and watch a muppet's christmas carole with her family then at mid-night we go to mass then part for our seperate familys to do the same thing as thanksgiving.

**Mrs.QuickLightning** · 08-04-09, 09:20 AM

We kind of do the same thing as JBMCW2010. Quick's family has Thanksgiving early and then we go to my family's house for desert. Plus they have Christmas at like 12:01 am so we open presents and then go to my family's house at 7/8 am. Luckily we can be together the whole time. In regards to your girlfriend, she should be able to do what she wants to do - not let her brother guilt trip her into something. Families adapt and will get used to whatever schedule you two work out.

Good luck!

**DeusInnomen** · 08-04-09, 09:34 AM

Oof, that's rough man. I'm fortunate 'cause my wife's parents are about a 25 minute drive north from our house and my parents are a 40 minute drive south from our house. So, unless my parents aren't being as reclusive as they often are and we can actually get everyone into one place, we can still manage to have the Tour de Parents plus the obligatory Casa Krajniak visit (close friends of the family who throw one seriously bitchin' Christmas party every year... something about being half Polish, half Mexican

) at the end of the day. It's just one hell of a long day.

See, I could simply throw out my staple "do what's right for you and your girlfriend's desires as equally as possible" advice, but I think I sense a cultural situation here. If I were in your shoes, and you want to work this out, try to get her mother to understand how your parents would feel if they never got to see the two of you for Christmas. It's a very important holiday for many families, and her mother can't be expected to permanently have rights to see you two. I'm not a fan of splitting for the holidays, the holidays are about being together with your loved ones and that would be too rough for me.

I think a compromise is possible, although I agree it's gotta be with her mother and you two, and not the siblings.

**dex71** · 08-04-09, 09:47 AM

Did I read that right? Did she put an uncompromising Christmas with her Mother EVERY year ahead of her relationship with you?...."She gave me the option to leave"!?

If that is the case.....I will spare you my opinion....but I bet you can guess.

If that is the way she is going to handle a relatively small problem....How will she handle a real one?

Controlling much? Good grief....

**QuickLightning** · 08-04-09, 09:57 AM

I gotta say I'm with Dex on this one.

She gives you the option to leave? :3

...Gotta as yourself, is it worth it? Chances are, this wont be your only sacrifice where it is her family over yours.