SpecOps needs some advice.

**SpecOpsScott** · 04-15-12, 01:01 PM

The last two days have been kinda crazy.

I was adopted, and i have known about it as far back as i can remember. But this week my mother gave me the adoption papers revealing who my biological mother is (the father is un-named). Well, i just had to do some digging and find out if she is still around.
She is, as well as quite a few members of her family. Now i am in a quandary, do i make contact or not? Do i approach one of the family members, specifically a cousin i have identified?

My mother said she is cool with me seeking out my birth mother, which up until this point was very low on my list of priorities. But now with the info i have, i have identified her right down to an address and phone number, past residences, an aunt and two cousins. I really don't know what way to go. I would love to make contact, but certainly do not want to hurt any of the parties involved. What would you do?

**SmokenScion** · 04-15-12, 01:21 PM

give her a buzz.

**AetheLove** · 04-15-12, 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by SpecOpsScott

The last two days have been kinda crazy.

Wow. Big stuff.

What would I do?

First, I'd not decide today. I'd set a day in the future - maybe a week or a month from now - to decide. That'd give me time to figure out how I really felt, and what I really wanted, without feeling any daily pressure to make a choice. Lots of decisions have to be made in the moment, and are mostly about someone else. This isn't like that at all. This is about you, and you don't have to choose right away.

If you decide to make contact it becomes a matter of style. I can't think of any way to do it that doesn't risk upsetting someone, so maybe the method you choose is a six-of-one deal. I wouldn't want to upset someone, but the possibility wouldn't put me off. In this matter my responsibility is to my choice, not to their comfortable fiction. If it was me I'd probably contact the birth mother directly rather than one of her relatives. She's the only one who for sure knows that she had a child. My style would be to send a letter.

Good luck.

Cheers,

AetheLove

**deathgodusmc** · 04-15-12, 02:24 PM

That is an issue you have going on. I would think anyone in your shoes would have the same questions. If it were me i think i would call just to put it to bed if nothing else. Odds are even though it will be a shock for both parties it will be one that has been expected for a long time.

What do you really have to lose by making the call? Your family will still be here and you stand the possibility have making it bigger. However you have to be prepared for the call to not go positive in nature. In which case your back right where you are now.

I can see loves point by contacting your mother directly but i also see how contacting a different family member could soften the blow. In doing so may give her the needed time to prepare for what is ahead. No matter how you spin it this is going to be a shock. So if you call her directly dont be turned away if you get nothing but silence for a few minutes so she can gather her thoughts. She may even hang up in haste or she may have been waiting or hoping for this for many years.

I would be lieing if i said i envied your position but if you need someone to talk it thru scott send me a pm. I would gladly give you any help i can just as many others here would. Good luck and i hope it works to the best for you.

**DJ Ms. White** · 04-15-12, 02:48 PM

Lots of things could go wrong, but you'll never know if you don't try. Think it over some more about whether or not it's something you want/need in your life at the moment or want in your kids' lives, too.

**SpecOpsScott** · 04-15-12, 03:37 PM

Originally Posted by AetheLove

Wow. Big stuff.

What would I do?

First, I'd not decide today. I'd set a day in the future - maybe a week or a month from now - to decide. That'd give me time to figure out how I really felt, and what I really wanted, without feeling any daily pressure to make a choice. Lots of decisions have to be made in the moment, and are mostly about someone else. This isn't like that at all. This is about you, and you don't have to choose right away.

AetheLove

I will definitely take this advice. It has become much more emotional than i ever thought, and experience tells me that decisions made while overwhelmed with emotion more often than not are not the best ones.

The strangest thing is how close my paths in life have brought us and i didn't know it. For example i worked in two houses on the street that she lived on in the 90's and probably drove past the house at least ten times. When i started my current job, i worked at a branch that is probably a 1/2 mile from where she moved to in 2002, so for a year i was right around the corner from her.

I guess thats not here nor there, but the whole picture just blows my mind.

And i really do appreciate you guys sharing your input/opinions/thoughts, i have found (again through experience) that this is an amazing supportive community filled with brilliant and thoughtful friends. Thanks again.

**Viktor_Olin** · 04-15-12, 04:26 PM

Scott,

I have no special insight into this matter, but a thought occurred to me. Do you have a trusted friend who is mature and diplomatic who could possibly contact your birth mother for you? Someone who could see how she feels about making contact with you? If nothing else, this would give her the chance to prepare for your appearance, instead of being caught unawares. She might be very excited by the opportunity, but, then again, she might not be, and that could be important information for you to have in deciding whether to pursue this. And, I agree that you should take your time making that decision.

Just a thought. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you. I do not envy you your dilemma.

**~BigTymer~** · 04-15-12, 04:38 PM

I would write a letter first and go from there. If she replies GREAT, if not then your life continues.

**ninja|oaklandr** · 04-15-12, 05:32 PM

Originally Posted by ~BigTymer~

I would write a letter first and go from there. If she replies GREAT, if not then your life continues.

I would do this at most to start.

**Greatsite** · 04-15-12, 06:02 PM

I'd do some research on the adoption process I went through. I'd want to know what my care home was like before my mother adopted me, what life was like for me, and maybe what life is like for children in that situation today.