Thread: Oldies but goodies

I'm sure many of you have seen the majority of what follows, but in case you haven't, I've posted just a few of the Emails I've received over that last several months....


A young woman was pulled over in Austin , Texas for speeding. As the T X
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police
Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a
moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He
then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing
too hard to start her car.


Differences between men and women.

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage & after marriage.


Thanks...

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank
you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me
feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being
plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid
number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about
to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change o nce I receive the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60
seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I
know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend
of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd
husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!



Terrorism?

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112
deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same
period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed
in the U.S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the
nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington immediately

Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of Tyrannicus Devious's seedier casinos.

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