Alcoholism, How do you help someone who does not want help?

**Bunni** · 07-29-11, 06:29 PM

So I have a friend that has a serious drinking problem. He does not admit its a problem and is in denial (that its a problem). Hes now drinking every day (by himself), large, large, amounts and has been getting progressively worse and worse (more frequent and larger and larger quantities of alcohol hes consuming).

He was confronted by all his friends about it several months ago, and pretended to stop and maybe he even did for a short, while, regardless, now hes sneaking the alcohol and hiding it (hes smart about buying it, pays cash). Hes in the "think's hes outsmarting everyone" mindset, think's no one knows that hes drunk when hes drunk, or maybe just does not care... THATS how drunk hes getting. You'll have to take my word that hes quite intoxicated.

So we are confronted with the problem. How do you help someone that does not want help? Seems, like all humans, he will need a serious precipice in order to want to change, but now idea how to make it happen.

We think maybe recording his actions/behavior/escapades while drunk, and showing them to him when hes sober?

IDK... anyone have any experience here? Are there groups we can call, that will come speak with him? At the current moment, its not bad enough /hes not causing enough damage to warrant forcefully (if we can?) sending him to a rehab center (plus hell have to WANT to help himself for the rehab to mean anything), but its only a matter of time before it is (because as of late, hes getting wasted every day).We are not actually sure if its alcoholism, or just alcohol abuse though back when he was confronted he did mention "the alcohol called to him", so its probably a physical addiction now....

Plus we cannot do anything that will be public knowledge (will ruin the job he just worked so hard to get)? Hes beyond the point of any confrontations, he just denies everything now.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated....

**Dusk** · 07-29-11, 06:38 PM

He is an alcoholic, no doubt. Talk to people from AA, I am sure they can help out. I'd see if you can get him to a meeting, so he can hear other people's same issue, to recognize that he has a problem. You just have to make sure that he realizes that he has a problem that needs to be taken care of, and other people are going through the same thing. Best part of AA, it is anonymous.

That's what I would do, anyways.

**DJ Ms. White** · 07-29-11, 06:47 PM

Recording him when he's drunk might be enough to force him to admit he has a problem. Other than that, I have no clue. Good luck, Bunni.

**Imisnew2** · 07-29-11, 06:51 PM

I don't think there's a catch-all answer to your question. And this may or may not help you, but it might make you realize something.

My brother was diagnosed with juvenile-diabetes (type 1, incurable) when he was 12. He was rushed to the hospital, nearly went into a coma (at which point, he would have died), but was able to recover just before. It was a very emotional time for my family. However, he never really accepted the fact that he had to take care of his blood/sugar levels or else he would suffer great consequences, such as neuropathy and peripheral vascular disease.

The story goes on with him getting into drugs, smoking (doesn't help combat peripheral vascular disease...), alcohol, and just so many other things for the next 8-9 years. He's still living with my mother, and has not held a job (until now) for longer than 6 months to a year. The point is, my mother and step dad never gave up on my brother. They always tried to help him, point him in the right direction, and give him the help he needs to get somewhere (i.e, buying him a jalopy so he can actually get to a job and go to interviews). However, he always threw it all away. Time and time again (he's been bailed out of jail, what... 10 times? Always has a mental breakdown and calls my mother, who can't bare to leave him there for more than a week) my parents have given him a chance, a possibility, and he's thrown it away like trash.

I honestly do not think a person who is so defiant, so stead-fast in their personal path to self-destruction will ever see what they need to do until it is too late.

I will close with an example. My brother has never taken care of his blood/sugar levels. If you looked back at the past 9-10 years, you'd probably see an average of about 250-300 for his blood sugar (normal is around 120!). And as such, he is suffering from neuropathy and PVD (his feet ache/burn/are numb all day). It took until now for him to realize that, unless he starts managing his sugar, he is going to lose his feet by the time he's 27~.

I hope this helps.

**Warprosper** · 07-29-11, 07:07 PM

There are beliefs out there that say the only way to get rid of an addiction is to trade it with something else. While I dont necessarily believe this in full, I think there is some validity in this. Another words he needs to find something he holds more passion towards. Drinking is, in most alcoholics, an escape from reality. If that is what he desires then he needs to find a hobby to get him what he desires.

The problem though is how do you get him to that point? I always find manipulation a good way, just have to figure out how to make him think its his idea, he needs to be excited about it.

I really hope you friend gets his shit straight.... Best of luck bunni..

**enf** · 07-29-11, 07:16 PM

I have a friend I met 10 years ago. Huge drinker due to family issues and just starting college so not a big deal. Lot of binge drinkers in college and we all do stupid shit. But after college it became progressively worse. He started waking up in places he had no idea how he got in (like random peoples' homes), going into debt from expensive nites he doesnt remember, and it got to the point that we started avoiding him when going out. Im talking a really good friend here so thats a big deal to him. Even then it didnt stop. He found new people to hang out and drink with. Bad people that would use him to get booze bought for them.

Bottom line is nothing we tried worked. Talking to him. Talking to his brother. Shunning him. Publicly outing him (never a good idea, they get quite defensive). But what did work was internal. It was him finally seeing that enough was enough and that shit had to change. He's been sober now for 1.5 years, going to regular AA meetings but still hanging out with all of us when we drink (and we drink every time we all hang out). I have no idea how he does it but thats how determined he is to beat the alcoholism. It all comes from within and I believe thats with any addiction. Its not until that person genuinely wants to help themselves that you will see change.

**moving-target** · 07-29-11, 07:21 PM

in my expericne you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it think

**flame** · 07-30-11, 02:13 AM

Bunni, I told you I dont have a problem, I'm just enjoying myself, I can quit anytime I want to.

Sorry, I'm drunk I had to. There is a reason your friend drinks, he needs something positive to replace the drinking. I drink quite often but mostly for relaxing and winding down from working so much. Gotta stop it soon, if he is already living in the haze, he is in serious trouble.

**HeavyG** · 07-30-11, 02:42 AM

Sadly, you cannot make a person change. They will have to want to change. Sometimes that means they will need to hit rock bottom before wanting to change the way they are living.

Addiction is a difficult thing to deal with. I have a step brother that is an alcoholic, and I have been dealing with his addiction for over 10 years. I have bailed him out of jail several times, had to drive him to and from work, to and from court, to and from his court mandated classes... and have had to pick hip up off of the pavement several times after getting his ass whooped in a drunken bar fight.

I finally had to set ground rules with him... as in, I was not going to ever help him again with anything, ever again. I wasn't going to bail him out, give him rides, loan him money, or anything else if he continued to drink. Shortly after, he realized he had nowhere else to go (no job, no girlfriend, and losing his family), so he joined the Army. The Army was a good decision for him because it provided him with structure that he could not build on his own. He has since gone through two deployments, but honestly, the drinking continues whenever he is back home.

The worst thing you can do for an addict is enable them. Helping them out only makes things worse, and allows the addiction to continue. It sounds like you have already done a mini-intervention. The next time you intervene, you need to tell your friend that their addiction cannot continue, and that if they choose to go on with the drinking that you cannot be friends as you do not want any part of him killing himself. If your friend realizes that there are real consequences from their actions, it may just be enough for them to change.

But in the end, make it your friend's decision, but do not help them along the way.

**Guyver** · 07-30-11, 02:45 AM

Originally Posted by HeavyG

Sadly, you cannot make a person change. They will have to want to change. Sometimes that means they will need to hit rock bottom before wanting to change the way they are living.

This.